i quit loving myself

“push, pull, i’m the boss, do this, because i said so,
your fault, clean it up, i don’t care, i’m tired of you now...”

& while i don’t have the ability nor desire
to pinpoint the exact moment it occurred
  i know it happened.

i stopped letting myself make mistakes
 be true
  soft
   & according to my heart.

i was convinced
 that i wasn't worthy of a good life
  & obeyed like a dog,
   eyes & ears down.

but i'd like to unlearn that now —
 that senseless noise.
  what a drag it's been,
   the noise.

i cowered to write
  when i am a writer.
i recoiled to sing
  when i am a singer.
i defied creation
  when i am an artist.

 stopped loving me.

now i choose not to dim myself
for the sake of others
 & their plots:
  sodden,
   begotten.

even as a kid
playing house smelled dangerously close
 to playing control —

“push, pull, i’m the boss, do this, because i said so,
 your fault, clean it up, i don’t care, i’m tired of you now...”

well,
 i just don’t want to be an “ist” in someone’s plot
  (been the pro-, ant-, altru-, pessim-, ego-, minor-, absurd-)
   i deserved a choice.

i don’t want to be discarded
 emotionally,
  physically,
   spiritually,
    & bullied
 into dreamless nights.

    i deserve all the time lost
 & more that was taken from me
by environments that made me feel
 like i am not soft.

there i am —
  that's my girl —
   i know her thoroughly well.

i know what i am capable of:
 to love in a manner so tender,
  patient,
   sincere.

 & i am much more than just some person's regret.

the definition of insanity is
 to look at me & all i am & to think as much.

to know me so well is to know
 that i am brave,
  soulful,
   patient,
    soft,
     silly,
      strong,
       smart,
        deserving,
         clever,
          humble (hehe).

  thoughtful
   & one of a kind —
    easy to love.

all i could do
 was end up loving more
  as forces tried to squash me.

     what a blessing.

happy new year! love, mie.