time, trauma & becoming
“the past houses my present body's consciousness, halting it as the river of time rushes and crashes by me.”
it is interesting the way i have been often thinking of the future in the present, the past in the future, and the present in the past. it's like being a traumatized animal, which i am... the past houses my present body's consciousness, halting it as the river of time rushes and crashes by me.
the homes that made me this way… the walls and air that raised me to be alert, small, apologetic…
the pattern repeats, cycling their subterfuge that destructs me. it brings down my heart rate, to continue the harm.
to become my real self, my soft self... i need to know that the feeling rising in my chest when i'm planning my next "line" (how did i arrive at needing a line, anyways?) is the feeling of the fear of dismissal of my vulnerability — well, rather than myself.
by treating everyone’s pain like my own, i convinced myself that if i could just love hard enough, things would heal.
sometimes i think my recurring thoughts are unfinished ones; my brain acting the way it does when a song gets stuck in it.
i am a woman who heals. a woman who needs to bring her anxieties to god to grow, just like everyone else. together, i held their web of lies and bore their consequences. mark 12:31:
"love your neighbor as yourself."
love the way i love myself. and 29–30 read:
"love the lord our god, the lord is one. love the lord your god with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength."
my heart hurts when i don't feel understood. my soul when i am not exercising my freedom due to constraints. my mind when i'm not taking in a sufficient amount of patience and softness. romans 12:15:
"rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn." acknowledging your own feelings is a godly act. putting time and effort, passion and truth at the forefront of your priorities.
even jesus showed a full range of emotion during his time on earth — the literal son of god. sometimes i feel badly about myself. i don't keep people who tell me nasty (and untrue) things about me anymore, so when i get that feeling i am usually hurting as a result of having confirmed a particular and mean self-mantra for a while — and i'll feel better after finding out what it is.
right now, i'm struggling with feeling like i am not some things that i certainly am (ooh, lil pang in the stomach, that's something important). i am independent and a full and complete human being with passions and pain, an acute sense of empathy and an aura that calms, heals. a woman who needs to bring her anxieties to god to grow, just like everyone else.
if i'm an anomaly, i'm a soft, steady, resilient one. if i'm different, i'm the thoughtful, creative, sharply intuitive kind. if i'm an overthinking, nervous wreck sometimes, i'm just a young woman who wants a love story that’s closer to a rom-com than a Shakespearean tradgedy. something real, something gentle, something earned, something that doesn't hurt all the time.
yet, aren't i that story already anyways? haven't i fought bravely and tenaciously? i have. i've loved deeply and fought for my future when i was exhausted. i didn't ignore the feeling of "wrong" in my gut when i was under pressure and recoiled when presented with the opportunity to hurt another person for my benefit. but when it came time to hurt me, i'd take it all — for the whole room and my whole crowd. together, i held their web of lies and bore their consequences. i deserve freedom forever from that. and oh my, did i deserve it then, too.
